I was in the shower. The shower is where I tend to do my big thinking…along with all the other normal activities such as belting the latest earworm in my beautiful magical brain. Or so my lovely therapist tells me. My brain has always felt rather oppressive to me, like a cotton cinderblock between my ears. I think, if I can’t make sense to myself, how on earth am I supposed to make sense to others. But I digress. Whilst in the shower, I happened to notice myself. I wonder how many of us notice ourselves on a daily basis, become self aware of just how our fingers move, how we breathe, the sway in how we walk. For a long time, I noticed EVERYTHING. That is…everything outside of myself. All of the neurons were firing over that shrill whistle, the blinding lights, the constant mechanical mumbling that always happens when electricity is around. Anything that wasn’t myself was much more important and always begging for attention. My inner workings were much quieter and therefore easier to pretend they didn’t exist at all.

Survival mode is a blessing and a curse. Sure, it gets you to perform tasks that may be too overwhelming if you did not shut off your brain. But I thought it meant my mind would simply pause, cease feeling…there would be no consequences. Now here I am with a titanium mental dam and 20+ years of emotions and feelings behind it. I’m the best person to have in a crisis situation; everything in nice neat little boxes. But survival mode is not perpetual. The key word is that, Mode. Its transitory, an in-between stage. So here I am. Seeking to heal by opening one box at a time. My way, is seeking to become aware of myself.

I am in the shower. My consciousness is floating around, dodging the drops of water, swirling with the steam. And as I’m doing my normal routine that I have done countless times, I notice something.

I always turn clockwise.

I chuckle to myself and turn to my left as an amusing little challenge to myself and notice how utterly WRONG it feels. Cue the heebie jeebies. Any other sane person would probably just turn the way they always have, go back to normalcy. Normalcy is too similar for complacency in my opinion. If I am aware of myself, it means I can challenge myself. The way I think, my habits, my reactions. I cannot stand to be the person I have always been, which means I must change. Don’t get me wrong, I fight myself every day. It would be so easy to go back to viewing myself anonymously. But I seek to know myself because others tend to like me, even if I do not agree. Enough data suggests that I am lovable. I know every being is worthy of love and I have no qualms about loving everyone I meet. Sans myself as I am not known to myself.

To become aware of myself, to know myself, I seek to challenge my view of myself. I know I am left-handed. But can I do things with my right hand? I know I am 5’5 but wearing my favorite boots I’m 5’8. I know I turn clockwise in the shower. Maybe, just maybe, I can turn counterclockwise. So here’s to changing my perspective. Here’s to knowing myself. Here’s to turning counterclockwise.

Love, Bug