For a long time, I’ve considered myself a lazy person. My mother always said so and her opinion was always Correct so of course it’s true…right? This whole post is two days later than it “should” have been (my therapist tells me don’t “should” on myself, it really helps) and I was having a really hard time writing anything at all. And then I thought, fuck it, better late then never. Perseverance. And just that one word two days ago, has set me on a journey.

I have a really hard time finishing anything. I love to craft and find new hobbies but with varying degrees of interest the inevitable outcome is that I put it down, unfinished and incomplete. My husband lovingly deters me whenever I decide to go ham on a big new endeavor because there is always that unfortunate knowing that I will most likely grow tired and won’t pick it up again. But, he said one word that struck me. Rather than shame me, which is something I am used to and prefer (we are comfortable with what we know), he reminded me I don’t grow tired. I reach burnout. I would say it’s really nice to be known by someone who doesn’t put you down but it’s honestly unnerving. For the first few years I was married every time my husband picked out a character flaw with love I would bite his head off. It’s through him I see them more as deviations now rather than flaws in my code. After all, being an identical twin I am already a mutation. I can now accept his observation of my habits of being without feeling attacked or shamed. Because, he is simply right. And for a long time, my “laziness” has bothered me.

It’s January 2022, and I’ve just moved again for the 5th time in 3 years and I’m sobbing in bed again because I’m just so freaking tired. All I feel is heaviness and the overwhelming feeling of S.A.D. or Big Sad as I like to call it. I haven’t eaten anything all day and I won’t roll out of bed until one or two in the afternoon. While we just moved, there’s nothing too terribly stressful going on in my life but this is a regular occurrence nonetheless. I’m on meds for B.S. (Big Sad) but the fluctuations are still quite large and uncontrollable. I’m starting therapy in a week. Pan to now, December of 2024. I’ve just made a huge move to a different country for the first time, and I’m frustrated because here I am, finding it hard to finish any project I deem suitable to tackle. I keep mentally beating myself up because it’s been years and nothing has changed and I’m still lazy. I have no perseverance.

And then it hits me.

I haven’t had a meltdown.

Now I’ve not been diagnosed as autistic but I am 1000% Neurodivergent at the very least. And when I am overwhelmed, I do have meltdowns. Sometimes I don’t even have to be overwhelmed, the B.S. just becomes too much and I am suddenly incapacitated. But yet here I am. I’ve finished two years of therapy and I’m off my meds and somehow I’m still keeping myself together. Holy shit. Perseverance.

I may not have the perseverance to finish a craft or hobby but I sure as hell am persevering when it comes to my healing. But perhaps that is why I reach burnout so quickly in day to day joyful activities. I spend so much of my effort to keep myself together and stable that I simply don’t have the endurance to finish whatever menial fun task I want to give myself. I can do things now that I couldn’t even do a year ago without it taking all of my spoons* and my capacity for being overwhelmed has greatly increased. I definitely still get burnout but on a much smaller scale and I can regulate myself now when I am distressed. All of this without active therapy or being on medication. Something I couldn’t even imagine a year ago. But perhaps the most important realization of all…I’m not lazy. I do have perseverance, and perhaps mine doesn’t show to anyone on a day to day basis but only I know what it’s taken to get here. So, it might take me a little longer to finish that craft or I may never finish it at all, but I have perseverance to continue trying and that’s all that matters.

Love, Bug

*google spoon theory. Life changing for us Neurodivergent folks.