At this point I am almost certain I’ve at least fractured my tailbone. I was having way too much fun at a trampoline park and three months later I’m still paying for it. So with lots of free time on my hands where sitting in a donut is the best way to avoid pain, that means its time to get back into some old hobbies.

Cross stitching.

I realize that its a hobby that probably ages me but you would be WRONG. Do you know how much patience you have to have to do that? Its literally making tiny x’s over and over and over again for the entirety of a larger design. It takes days if not weeks to finish a design depending on several factors like how intricate the design, how fast you can sew, etc. I’ve literally had designs that have taken me years because I simply have had no endurance. Haunting me from place to place in various craft rooms because ten minutes a day is not sustainable to be able to finish any kind of design, even a simple one. It is one of the few times you can say “yesterday I conquered the mountains and today I conquered the sun” in a fun mystical way and still mean it. It just becomes a lot less notable when you have context.

I’ve created for as long as I can remember but when I was my most depressed, I could only stand to create for at max ten minutes. If the project could not be completed promptly so I could receive my dopamine hit, it was simply not worth investing in. Now I understand that for some people they are probably saying “well C’mon Bug, isn’t creating art a way to escape your darkest feelings?” That is a fair assessment but do you know what is required to make art? The ability to be with oneself. There are for sure some mediums and modes of art that require more or less mental capacity but I think every artist can agree that in order to make art with depth and meaning, you need to be present. You can definitely make art for art’s sake but as a person who has always felt the world too deeply, that has simply never been an option for me. There needs to be significance. And that requires being present enough to infuse the craft with essence.

I’ll get more into it in later posts I’m sure but it isn’t until recently that I have been able to recognize who I am in this moment. While I am grateful I have finally arrived, my endurance to be in the space behind my eyes and between my ears is limited. There’s just so much…ME. And honestly, I’m a lot. But now, I’ve had a radical change, I want to be with me. And the universe has led me to cross stitching. No project can be completed in ten minutes so it is something I have to commit to and a bigger investment leads to a bigger payout (hopefully). But something else as well, because cross stitching can be extremely monotonous especially if there is an unchanging pattern, it’s easy to let the mind wander. Which for reasons previously mentioned, was dangerous in the past. I’m not sure why but I’m being shown by God and the universe that I need to build up my mental endurance and I learned a long time ago not to question my self-labeled “God-Winks”. So here I am, dedicating at least two hours a day to a monotonous repetitive task with the hope that the reward at the end will be worth it. I know I’ll be able to endure it if I don’t quit. And this time, I don’t intend to.

Love, Bug