09:00 has become sacred. It is the only time I can physically sit and bask in the sun before it disappears behind a building about an hour and a half later. That is, if there is any sun at all. The climate I live in now has flurries on an almost daily basis so sunny days are truly blessed. And so, like a flower arching for the sun during its path across the sky, I chase the sun from room to room when it happens to break through the patterns of the city skyline. 

I already knew I wouldn’t care for city living but city living with harsh winters has borne me to a pit of my depression I have previously not known. Even though I have suffered through depression before, I must say that this is a beast with far longer fangs. I would be concerned if not for the fact that I have been delivered from what I like to call “base depression”. Base depression for me existed most when I was in college. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, cleaning anything including myself took all of my spoons…it was not a great time. But thanks to God’s grace and lots of hard work on myself, I no longer suffer with those burdens. Which makes this season of depression in some ways so much more terrifying.

I had a minor mishap which led to a fortuitous trade; I returned some art supplies I no longer needed and walked home in the ice with a canvas bigger than myself. I’ve never purchased a big canvas before, I never thought I was worth the cost. But when you have nothing left and one thing sparks you with an idea of joy, you leap for it.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I have the most basic of acrylics, I’ve never painted something larger than the width of my forearm and what’s worse, I have no idea what I’m going to paint. Well how can I be certain it’s going to be worth the money unless I plan to make a masterpiece? What’s the point of spending all the money if it turns out awful? I had unwrapped the canvas and as I was staring at this giant “could-be” monstrosity all of these negative thoughts were pouring out of me. But I had made a trade, no extra money was spent, so why not just try? So I did.

Joy! Pure unadulterated joy. Once I started I couldn’t stop, colors I didn’t know I could feel at this time exploded on the canvas. I grabbed art supplies I’d bought years ago and never used and threw them on with abandon. Every time I thought I lacked something I would remember some obscure tool I had that I just grabbed at some point with no real plan in the past. Everything that I could need, I had. Past me had provided the tools and prep for present me to experience this unbridled joy.

At some point I was just laughing with glee after finally being able to let myself be. I don’t know if it will be a masterpiece and frankly I don’t think it matters anymore. All the pain, all the work, has led me to this moment. I have everything I need. Now, I can just exist freely, I can just Be.

Love, Bug