I began this painting early this year. I was coming to terms with the fact that once again, I felt out of control in this increasingly chaotic world we live in. I’m in a very lucky place where I have nowhere to go but face myself, and what I need to do to fulfill myself. Carving myself into an existence that satisfies society but not my soul has become not only increasingly insufferable, but is simply no longer a viable option. Death awaits. So with that obvious but avoidable certainty…what next?

To tell the truth, I didn’t know. I felt a certain melancholia of the soul and with the remaining cash in my pocket and a last feeble grasp for relief, I ended up walking home with the biggest canvas I could trade for. I felt like a fool.

But, this is an update to my post “Winter“. I am happy and relieved to report, it worked.

I began with my hands. I had model paste that I picked up one distant day to give myself a fun challenge and a new experience. But the “right” project that I was saving it for, somehow never came. The shapes and where they appeared felt random but right, and every color I couldn’t feel for myself at the time touched my canvas. But green, Growth, was not present. I believe its because I needed to learn from myself and know exactly who I was at that moment. As I painted, I felt as though I was facing a sunrise fading into a galaxy.

Eternity.

For a while, months, she remained there. The background and base ready, waiting, but whispering to me “not yet”. I honored this. I have come to understand that the completion time is just as important as the execution. And so, she remained.

One day, after trying a new move in aerial silks and then proceeding to hit the mat with a resounding “smack!” I knew. I proceeded to go outside of my comfort zone and bringing back my old talent of photography; asked my instructor to play in the air while I snapped shots. I did not know this at the time, but they were also quite uncomfortable having pictures taken of them. But out of the goodness of their heart, told me yes. We had so much fun and at the end of it all, not only did I receive the shot I needed but an additional 75 edited photos to send to my new friend. As soon as I saw the photo that I used as reference, my heart screamed loudly “Victory!”

But the painting (who is “she” for reasons unknown even to myself) needed silks. And I found it very important that the fabric actually be made of silk. Again, outside of my comfort zone as I ventured out. I found a fabric store that fortuitously sold raw silk and I bought the white so I could dye it green, or so I thought.

As I have found myself, I have seen nothing but sunshine even within my own darkness. Yellow is integral to who I am and who I continue to become. So with some turmeric and no previous dyeing experience, I somehow created a very brilliant and evenly dyed yellow silk. Thanks Universe. And with absolutely no idea what I was doing, the silk perfectly ended at the bottom of the painting with no intervention on my part. Again, thanks Universe.

Finishing this painting that I felt (and still feel) I had been called to do in one of my darkest hours, was nothing less than a fall to victory.

Love, Bug